Truth be told, I’m excited to start studying in med school. I know, I know. The enthusiasm will gradually wane and my future self, faced by massive volume of topics to be understood, will ask, “What the hell were you thinking, Lour?! The closest subject related to it in your college years is animal science which you didn’t take seriously!”
But why should I deny myself this feeling of excitement although I must eventually squeeze out the last drop of resilience and comprehension left in me? All feelings are valid. If I permit myself to wallow in misery and self-doubt, why should I suppress this enthusiasm — partly triggered by the thought of buying school supplies?
Other than having to develop a learning style and organizational skills that work best for me, I’m worried about not having friends. Seriously. My parents laugh at this seemingly trivial concern but as much as I value solitude, I’m a social being.
I wonder if I’ll find the type of friends with whom I can talk about studies, goals, fears, national interests, and crushes; who will stick with me through sober and intoxicated times; who will tell me that my jokes are corny; whose sense of humor can be self-deprecating; who know that sweet balance between life goals, and adventures and revelries; who unknowingly encourage me to be better.
(As I thought about my recent routine, I figured I intentionally don’t stay out late because I’m not doing anything fulfilling. I’m waiting for school to start, that’s all. I don’t want to be a person whose time and energy are spent mostly on going out but progress on fulfilling work is at a standstill.)
This feeling is reminiscent of my second year in high school when I transferred to another school. My schoolmates have their circle of friends and, because my social skills were insufficient to have a steady group on June 23, I invited random classmates to have lunch with me on my birthday. On the bright side, some of them are my most trusted friends until now.
Of course, I will always treasure old friends and make time for them but I have to prioritize my studies. My mother said many may not understand but the genuine, understanding ones will. I’m at that stage of acceptance of missing out on several social events. I doubt if I can have regular hang-out-till-dawn weekends, spontaneous gatherings, and the like. I might as well steer away from social media at the peak of FOMO. Anyway, school breaks are there for a reason.
Perhaps I’m excited because I’m officially starting a new chapter. Adventures are typically associated with travelling to towns and cities far from one’s hometown. But adventures could also mean acting on that risk I have been meaning to but apprehensive to take. Then again, what will I gain if I let self-doubt overshadow my dreams?
My books and sets of uniform are ready for use. I’m excited because am closer to making my dreams a reality instead of simply talking about it. I just have to remember my purpose and to trust myself I can handle each day. Focus, prioritize, follow through. Keribels, besh.